如何杜绝排斥_张馨月的博客_雅虎博客

[精] 如何杜绝排斥 2008-07-04 13:17:02 本文已公布到博客频道文化·原创分类,并被网编推荐: (Shoshanna博士著张馨月译）（未经允许请勿转载多谢合作）

    排斥在人际关系中是最令人感到痛苦的经历之一。排斥不仅来自我们的伙伴，而且还来自我们自己。一旦某些人感觉到他们的伙伴将要批评他们，他们很快就开始排斥自己。他们的自我价值感和可爱性跟他们同伴对他们的感觉有直接联系。当1个人处于一种受虐待的关系中，就是他被排斥和批评时，对于这样的人来说，他们就对自己完全失去信心，还有丧失再去爱的能力，这都是不少见的。

    但是，让我们更近一步来看待这个问题，当一个人感觉到遭拒绝时，会真正发生什么事情呢？这真的只由于他们同伴的行为，或是他们看不起自己呢？当一个人对自己有真正的安全感，还有良好的感觉时，其他人如何对待他们，或是对他们做些什么，说些什么，对他们来说都是无所谓的。下面是一条基本的爱的法则，当你在与别人的关系中，你完全吸收其中精华并且付之于实践，那么你的自我价值感和心情平静度就会自动增长。
    一个人如何对待你，他是自己说更多关于自己的事，然后才说到你的情况？

    来自于你的同伴的消极行为影响的是他们自己，而不是你。他们所表达的内容就是他们的难题，永远不要自己接受下来。当你自己接受下来时，简单来说，你是同意他们的消极并且在拒绝你自己。

    如果更进一步看待这种排斥的力学，我们可以发现排斥反应是一种经常发生事情。我们许多人都参与了这项活动并让其处于一个持续的基础上。从早晨到晚上，我们抱怨，评判，谴责并从基本上排斥生活给我们带来的大部分事物。我们想要一件东西，得到的是另外一件东西。我们喜欢温暖的天气，但天总是下雨。我们希望我们的同伴以一种方式来表现，他们所做的却适得其反。我们甚至可以开始感觉到当我们跟每个人见面时，有些地方不对劲，我们必须要修正，改变或指导它们。这使我们体会到隔离和单独的感觉。我们看不到我们自己在这个排斥体验中设定的动作。
    准则：停止排斥

    如果你被拒绝了很多次，那你要花些时间注意一下你拒绝你自己或别人的那些方式，然后停止那样做。转换方向，看看对你面前的那个人或情况来说，做什么事情是好的和正确的，看看对你自己来说，做什么事情是好的和正确的。

不要寻找别人的过失

    在我们的人际关系中，孤独感和心烦来自于我们把过失推到别人，然后拒绝他们。它也来自其他人像我们这样做。当我们这样做时，我们就会花我们大部分的时间试图去改变和控制他人或自己。这永远不利于建立双方当事人能做自己，感觉到被需要和自然成长的快乐关系。

    当我们感到自己被拒绝或去拒绝别人时，我们可以采取对发生的事情负责的行为来阻止事件的进程。我们可以立即查查我们自己是如何感知别人-和自己的。
下面是2项爱的法则：

1 ）我们越是重视，喜欢和欣赏自己，那么我们将受到的排斥越少。

2 ）我们越是重视，喜欢和欣赏别人，他们拒绝我们的次数就越少。

    认可和统一性的体验是每个人所渴望的东西。把它给别人，也把它给自己。为了做到这一点，我们必须认识到，无论什么人出现在我们面前，那只不过是我们的另一张面孔。评判或者希望改变他们是没有必要的。好奇心是较好的回应。
    我们允许其他人做他们自己时，并且以理解我们接受自身发展的想法去看待他们。这种想法就是你心目中最珍贵的资产，它就是接受培育和坚持一生的积极人生观的供给。

    这可能需要一点时间和实践，但它是值得的去做的。正如一旦我们去实践这种坦率的方式，我们对待别人的方式也是我们对待自己的方式的证明就会很快变得显而易见。我们越认可他人，就越快乐，越健康，越满意我们的生活和未来的关系。

How To Put An End To Rejection

     Rejection is one of the most painful experiences in relationships. Not only rejection from our partner, but also rejection from ourselves. As soon as some feel their partner is finding fault with them, they quickly begin to reject themselves. Their sense of self-worth and lovability is directly linked to how their partner feels about them. When an individual is in an abusive relationship, where rejection and fault finding is on-going, it is not unusual for them to completely lose confidence in themselves and their ability to ever love again.


      But let's look at this more closely. What is really happening when a person is feeling rejected? Is it really due to the behavior of their partner, or is it that they are now down on themselves? When a person feels really secure and good about themselves, it doesn't matter how anyone else treats them or what they do or say. Here is a basic law of love. When you thoroughly absorb this and practice it in your relationships, your sense of self worth and equilibrium automatically grows.


      How A Person Treats You Says More About Them Then About You
Negative behavior from your partner reflects on them, not you. It is their difficulty they are expressing. Never take it personally. When you take it personally, it simply means that now you are agreeing with their negativity and rejecting yourself.

      The Dynamics Of Rejection If we look more closely we can discover that rejection is a common occurrence. Many of us are involved in it on an on-going basis. From morning to night, we complain, judge, condemn and basically reject most of what life brings to us. We want one thing and get another. We enjoy warm weather and it always rains. We want our partner to behave in one way and they do the opposite. We can even start to feel there's something wrong with everyone we meet, that we have to fix, change or instruct them. This keeps us feeling separate and alone. What we do not see is that we ourselves have set into motion this experience of rejection.
     Guideline: Stopping Rejection

     If you are being rejected a lot, take time to notice the ways in which you reject yourself or others. Then stop it. Turn it around. Look for what is good or right about the person or situation in front of you. Look for what is good and right about yourself.

     Do Not Look For The Faults Of Others

     Loneliness and upset in our relationships comes from projecting our faults onto others, and then rejecting them. It also comes from others doing the same to us. When we do this, we then spend most of our time trying to change and control others or ourselves. This never, ever makes for happy relationships where both parties can be themselves, feel wanted and naturally grow.

     When we catch ourselves being rejected or rejecting others, we can stop this process by taking responsibility for what is happening. We can immediately look for our part in how we are perceiving others - and ourselves.

     Here are 2 more laws of love:
1) The more we value, like and appreciate ourselves, the less we will be affected by rejection.
2) The more we value, like and appreciate others, the less they will reject us.

      The experience of acceptance and oneness is what everyone desires. Give that to others and give it to yourself. In order to do this we must realize that whoever appears before us, is simply another face of ourselves. Judgment or the desire to change them is not necessary.

      Curiosity is a better response.

      As we allow others to be who they are, and view them with understanding the mind that accepts develops in us. This mind is your greatest asset.. The mind that accepts provides a positive outlook that nurtures and upholds all life.

      This may take a little time and practice, but it is well worth it. As we practice this kind of open-heartedness it will soon become obvious that the way we treat others is also the way we treat ourselves. The more we accept others, the happier, healthier and more fulfilled our lives and relationships will be.

       Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on i.village.com, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops on all aspects of relationships and fulfilling your potential. She is the author of many books, including Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), What He Can't Tell You And Needs To Say, (Putnam) and many others.

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